


Car Crash

by bipolarlilyevans (JackNSallyGal)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Bisexual Female Character, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief, Lily is a poet, Vomit Mention, alternative universe, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 18:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7585768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackNSallyGal/pseuds/bipolarlilyevans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily knows today is going to suck. </p><p>Maybe not entirely because things are going well at work and she has a performance to look forward to. But, in general, the anniversary always does in new and exciting ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Car Crash

Lily knows today is going to suck. Maybe not entirely because things are going well at work and she has a performance to look forward to. But, in general, the anniversary always does in new and exciting ways.

In her defense, she tries. Upon waking, ten minutes ahead of her alarm, she’s prickly.

Next to her, James snuffles softly in his sleep. She watches him for a minute, the way the sheets move in time with his breathing, before gently easing into a sitting position so she can wake up properly.

She thinks over her day, planning her stop to the cemetery in the time slot normally reserved for grabbing coffee and shooting the shit with Emmeline on their way in.

She’s been bringing her own drink for months now to save up for the new place, but if she skips for a while longer, she can also afford something nice to put on their graves. Flowers, work, early dinner, poetry slam …

“Been awake long?” James asks in a voice that’s mostly a sleepy rumble.

He slips his glasses on and leans over the bed, holding a hand out to her. Lily can’t help but smile in response. She grabs hold of his hand, watching the way his face softens when she places a kiss on his open palm.

“No. Just sorting out my day. Sleep well?”

“Yeah. Sorry if I snored.”

“I must’ve slept through it, noisy.”

They continue their chatter as they relocate to the kitchen. Lily curls up at the table with a glass of juice, watching in contented, sleepy silence as James begins making eggs.

They’re eating when their buzzer goes off. Lily’s head whips around toward the door and she’s frowning as she trails after James, who’s smiling a little.  

“Delivery for Evans?”

Lily sees the arrangement as James accepts it from the deliveryman, the riot of pink and yellow flowers, without a carnation in sight, and feels her stomach drop. James keeps up a steady flow of chit chat with the other man, hands over a generous tip, and lightly kicks the door shut.

“Lily-”

“What are those?”

“For your parents,” James says, setting the flowers on the table, facing her with a neutral expression that means he knows she’s less than pleased.

“We talked about this,” Lily points out. “You offered and I said no.”

“I know it’s important to you,” he tries to explain, dropping into the chair across from her. “Lily, I know you’ve gone years without being able to do anything for the anniversary-”

“I said no! You don’t get to override that.”

“I was trying-”

“You don’t listen to me,” Lily says, talking over him. His face falls and she feels the tears gathering and hates it. “We’re trying to save for a better place, and _that’s_ important to me-”

“I have the money! I know you don’t want to feel like you’re taking from me, but I have it. We could move tomorrow and you wouldn’t have to skip coffee with Em, or eat so much fucking Ramen. I can afford it, so I did it.”

“Regardless of what I asked of you. Thanks so much for that.”

Lily gets up from the table, congratulates herself on not slamming their bedroom door, and gets ready for her day.

* * *

 

She takes the arrangement. She’s still pissed about it because money is a constant for them; the fact that he’s always had it, and she never has. It isn’t something she sees ending their relationship, but it’s put a strain on things, not in terms of what they both want out of life, but how they go about getting it.

Either way, Lily takes the flowers because they are lovely and a) she doesn’t want to waste them or b) keep them in the apartment to further the argument. She kisses his cheek on the way out, and he holds her hand for a few brief seconds by the elevator because they’ve never been good at staying mad when they have to say goodbye.

Lily makes the trek to the cemetery alone, as requested. She places the cheerful arrangement in front of their graves. She can smile at the sight of it. Even snaps a picture and sends it to James, saying, _We still need to talk...but this looks nice._

He sends back about a million heart emojis and two words, _I know_ , and Lily tucks her phone away, gives herself fifteen minutes to just be with her parents.

* * *

 

The rest of the day passes in a rush and then it’s seven o’clock and she feels like she’s going to throw up, possibly all over her shoes.

“Hey, deep breaths,” Marlene coaches.

Emmeline hands Lily a water bottle, gently orders her to swish it around her mouth.

_Drink. Breathe. Relax._

She always gets the jitters before a performance. Her first was the worst. She ended up running into the bathroom so she could lose it with Marlene holding back her hair, James and Em fretting, and Peter, Remus, and Sirius trying to section off the bathroom so no one else could intrude while she lost her lunch.

It’s her fifth performance, and by now she knows it will pass. Her nerves reach a crescendo when Marlene and Emmeline say goodbye, wishing her good luck. And then she’s on stage, under the lights, so bright she can’t even make out anyone in the audience if she wanted to.

She fidgets a little as the clapping dies down, approaches the mic with her phone in hand, takes a deep breath and begins:

 _Car crash I came home from school fresh_ _  
_ _Fourteen to the police my sister and a neighbor_

Lily’s nerves leave her completely. It’s her, the audience, and her own words. Just like all the other times, she finds her footing and they begin to flow.

 _They told me my parents died in a car crash and I laughed_  
_Because it was such an absurdly common way to go I laughed_  
_And I thought my sister was going to choke me I laughed_ _  
And I wanted her to_

She continues through a smattering of appreciative claps.

 _Car crash they were on their way_  
_To the grocery store car crash they liked_  
_To turn the music down and hold_  
_Hands car crash he ran_  
_A red light going_  
_60 car crash they rolled three times_ _  
_   _Car crash they were dead on arrival_

The words tumble over themselves, purposefully, and she feels the audience vibrating with her, sitting at attention, murmuring occasionally and following her on her journey.

 _Car crash he sat next to me in_  
_Class our first language is_  
_Miscommunication he held_  
_My hand and my heart rolled_  
_Out of my chest and into_  
_His one boy with enough heart_ _  
_   _For two_

The murmurs become more widespread and Lily counts on the audience, made up mostly of locals, knowing exactly who she’s referring to just as much as the love shining through her words. They know and it’s a beautiful feeling.

 _This car crash boy knows yellow means_  
_Yield stops on red and my turn_  
_Signals mean I need_ _  
_   _To alter the course_

 _Car crash in the middle of the night his_  
_Arms come around me like_  
_A seat belt words like_ safety respect  
_And_ love _are an airbag on impact_  
_They knock the air from_  
_My lungs bruise_  
_My tender heart_  
  
_But keep me from eating glass_

Lily pauses, staring into an audience she can’t see.

 _Car crash took my love a thousand yesterday’s ago  
_ _Car crash gives it back like love is all he knows_

Lily exits the stage to some whoops and applause, face burning, smiling from ear to ear. The emcee asks everyone to make some noise one final time and Lily is enfolded, off stage, into hugs and shared laughter.

* * *

 

“You came.”

James stands off to the side, waiting his turn, as the others hug and kiss her, passing her around with obvious affection. She chats with them, delighted and thrilled that so many of her friends still show up and will continue to do so, but her eyes drift every so often.

She doesn’t mean to, but she watches James who takes turns watching her, smiling that half smile of his, and chatting with people from their neighborhood.

When she’s made the rounds, she approaches him feeling almost shy.

“Of course I did.”

“I thought, after this morning, you might not…”

“Wait. Did you not want me to?” He looks stricken and unsure, like he might’ve majorly fumbled this, and Lily can’t help smiling as she takes his hand in hers.

“Didn’t you hear? Our first language is miscommunication-”

“But we love each other anyway?” he finishes, looking at ease again.  
  
“Yeah,” Lily brings his hand up, kissing the open palm. “Something like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi! hello. I am a poet who happens to be reading too much poetry lately (no such thing) and had this poem from Lily's pov come to me, and then the plot etc.
> 
> It's meant to be a oneshot, so there probably won't be a linear story, but I might be tempted to come back bc queer poets are super tempting.


End file.
